F this, I'm going to Pigfarts!
by Sophia Houghton
Summary: Draco Malfoy is happily accepted into the Pigfarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, on Mars and the headmaster is a talking lion named Rumbleroar! This is based on the Youtube sensation known as A Very Potter Musical posted by StarkidPotter.


Draco Malfoy ran his hand through his sleek blonde hair.

"If I go, Weasley will get her," he murmured to himself angrily.

"No offence, but Pigfarts sounds like an amazing place for a Hufflepuff, we could find things on Mars..." said Cedric Diggory standing in the doorway.

"Oh my hippogriff, dude, I thought you were dead Diggory!" Malfoy exclaimed. At this, a man in a turban ran in awkwardly, his wand raised angrily.

"Kill the spare! Avada Kedavra!" screeched Quirell.

Draco sighed and shouted to the now fleeing man, "Go home, Terrorist!"

Once the room was empty Malfoy looked down at the dead student and looked at his robe, it read the word 'Hufflepuff'.

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" Draco said, kicking the body aside. He sat on the floor and rolled down the corridor, coming out of the library he was sitting in. Many people looked down in shock and called him many names as he rolled over people's feet. Eventually he made his way over to his friends Crabbe and Goyle, who were pushing Neville Longbottom into the portrait hole, whilst the Bloody Baron laughed.

"Longbottom, where's Potter."

Neville stuttered, "He's in the common room, sir."

Draco attempted to pull open the portrait hole, the secret entrance to the Gryffindor common room, but he failed and the occupant of the painting was not amused.

"Draco get off of me this instant or I'll have Peeves 'round here faster than you know it."

Malfoy let go of the frame and decided to attempt an easier option. He grabbed hold of Neville's tie and pulled him up, demanding the password to the tower.

"Horseradish."

Draco dropped the frightened Gryffindor and repeated the password to the lady in the painting. She sighed and reluctantly let him inside. He stepped into the hole and entered the warm Gryffindor common room; the room's decor consisted mainly of red and gold colours, with Quidditch posters around the room.

In an armchair by the fire sat someone strumming an awkward tune on a guitar.

"I'm the Mickey to your Minnie,  
You're the Tigger to my Winnie,  
Ginny.  
Wanna take you to the city,  
Gonna take you out to diney,"

Malfoy laid down on the carpet by the fire and rolled towards Harry Potter, not noticing his robe catching in the fireplace. Harry looked up and rolled his eyes.

"What do you want Malfoy," he said, playing his guitar again absentmindedly.

"I just came to tell you I have been accepted into Pigfarts, far better than this school."

Hemione entered the room looking down at Malfoy, who had gone bright red – as he did whenever he saw her.

"Hello Granger," he said, standing up.

"Uh, Malfoy you're on fire." She said staring at his robe that was smoking slightly.

"Why thank you," he said modestly, then looked down at his robe as she pointed to the little flame, "oh crap."

Ron heard Harry laughing at Draco and rushed to see what had happened, the flames started to spread on Malfoy and Ron threw an oversized chocolate bar at him, and it put out the fire.

"Giant Hershey bars are a safety precaution."

The others nodded in agreement and Ron left the room, bored.

"Well, have fun at Pigfarts, say 'hi' to Rumble Roar for me," Harry said picking up his guitar.

Malfoy left the room sulkily, expecting his 'fans' to miss him.

He roly-polyed down the corridor, and came to a trapdoor. He stood up and went down it, to a wardrobe which he stepped inside and arrived in a lair.

"Rumble Roar would be jealous of that wardrobe," he murmured as he stepped out of the wardrobe.

"Maloy, you little shit, get over here," a rough voice said, he turned to see a man very pale – as white as a sheet. He seemed to have only slits for nostrils and seemed to look like he was longing for something.

"Dark Lord, hello." Draco said rolling over to him.

"My enslavement is over, correct?" he said hopefully.

"Indeed it is, but you still owe me a rocket ship."

"Aw, you little shit. Why do you even need a rocket ship?"

"Pigfarts!!!" Malfoy sang.

"What on Earth is Pigfarts?"

"It is the most wonderful school in the galaxy, it's on Mars. The headmaster is a talking lion!"

"Right, Rumbleroar, well good luck on Mars."

Malfoy was annoyed at Lord Voldemort and rolled into his wardrobe, saying a quick goodbye to the Dark Lord.

He made his way down to the corridor again, and Dumbledore tripped over him, tearing a large sheet of parchment on his way down.

"Malfoy you little shit! You broke my Zefron poster!" he said scrambling up, smoothing out his High School Musical t-shirt.

"Sorry headmaster," he mumbled.

"Get off the floor you stupid pureblood," Albus Dumbledore said, before adding, "10 points to Dumbledore."

He sat crossed legged on the floor of the corridor, thinking.

"Stupid Hogwarts, everyone treats me like a little shit." He murmured to himself.

"That's 'cause you are one ya'll." Said Cho Chang as she walked past and stepped on him.

"Everyone loves Draco Malfoy!" shouted Draco in sadness, then added, "except Granger." He stood up and rolled towards the Slytherin common room.

"Fuck this, I'm off to Pigfarts."


End file.
